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Speaking powerfully, whether in a formal public speech, in court, in small groups or even one-to-one, depends on two apparently conflicting attitudes. First, an attitude of confidence. Second, an attitude of wanting to impress the audience; if you do not care, why should they?

The second attitude can easily lead to self-consciousness and nervousness. This makes it hard to have the first attitude and speak with confidence.

How can you care, but not care too much? Is it even possible? I say that even trying to find such a happy medium is the wrong approach.

My daughter Emma is too young to face these problems. Emma has always expressed herself with confidence:

Baby Emma Laying Down the Law

Emma has always been clear and persuasive to get what she wants. Why has she never been self-conscious or nervous in these efforts?

Partly no doubt because she is too young to have learned that there is anything to be self-conscious or nervous about. That does not help us much — as adults we already have our history of being criticized, scolded, or even scorned when we speak.

But there is something else going on that I think can help.

Emma is not thinking about whether the audience likes her, how she is dressed, how good her language is, her gestures, her eye contact, or any of the other usual “speaking skills” issues. She cares only about communicating what she wants and, if that in itself is not enough, why she should get it.

She is content-conscious, not self-conscious.

As adults we can do the same. We should put the mental focus not on what the audience thinks about us but on making sure that we have good content and the audience understands it.

Suppose while speaking you trip on your tongue, drop your papers, or do something else that makes you look less than smooth. If your focus in on yourself you think “oh no, this makes me look bad” and it throws you off. The audience might even realize that you are upset, which is also bad.

But if your focus is on the content, such things are just trivial delays in getting your point across. You say, “what I meant to say is…” or “oops, now as I was saying…” or something similar. You carry on, and the audience will probably agree with you that what just happened is trivial and the important thing is your message.

The content orientation has helped me in court. When preparing for court I think about whether I have the evidence to support the facts my side alleges. I think about whether I have the facts to fit the law I want to use. I think about whether the law, looked at rightly, is helpful given the facts I actually have.

On the other hand I spend little or no time thinking about whether the judge likes me, or whether when I speak I seem smooth. I mainly want the judge to see that I have reasonable content, and if the judge does see that then I am happy.

Of course there is room for speaking skills. It is worthwhile to think about them and to practice them. But when actually presenting they should not be the focus.

Put your focus on the content, and self-consciousness will not drain your speaking power.